yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
