I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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