Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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