had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
