I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
