youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
