He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
