i may or may not be watching the land before time
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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