if i can run in heels then i can drive
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
