He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
