he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
