When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
