i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
