I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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