I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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