someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
