Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
