My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
