Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
