Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
3pm strippers are depressing
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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