I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
