Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
