I am puke
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just forgot I was standing up.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
