I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
