so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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