All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
