So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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