there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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