i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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