She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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