The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
