I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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