Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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