Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
