dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
