You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We need to get me chipped asap
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Cover your peen. We're going out.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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