I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
