Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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