Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Omg I joined a choir last night...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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