I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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