I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
