Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
