i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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