My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
