Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
