so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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