you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
