Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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