Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
3pm strippers are depressing
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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