My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's blow job season.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
