my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
