I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
