There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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