Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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