Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
