dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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