I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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